Flowers in my Garden

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Nothing is perfect

I have a garden that I love to spend time in, especially in the morning when the birds are chirping and the sun has not reached its highest and hottest point. There is a soft breeze and the aroma of the earth wet with dew hovers in the air.

I do my very best with help from my husband Mac and Kenia, who comes once a week , to tend to my garden. BUT there is always a brown spot on a leaf, a rose that just does not want to bloom, a misstep in nature that doesn't respond to the care. Nothing is perfect.

In these days of grief - after our daughter's murder - and in the strain of illness as my husband recovers from his recent operation, there has been a heaviness in my step and a deep longing for rest after many sleepless nights. But God reminds me , through His Word and also through something I wrote long ago, while nothing is perfect, He is - and that gives me hope, joy and expectation.

January 2014. My Journal

I have been living in Guatemala for 19 years. This is the hardest time I have ever had -at this moment. I need to qualify that. I tend to live in the moments and If I thought long and hard, I could remember "moments " much worse. God has taught me , overtime to "forget" the past moments of pain, disappointment, disillusionment, etc.

But, in this moment I am living in - its painful and to me the worst time ever!

January is the most stressful month for me - that's a fact. School starts, reports and documents have to be given to the department of education correctly and timely - papers sometime go missing from department files, teachers need to be encouraged, students with scholarships need shoes, uniforms, school supplies, etc. , some supporters are late with the students scholarship donations, but needs need to be met, documents need to be filed for my personal residency. Money disappeared from my ministry account. Money that was visible on paper but not available for two months from the bank with no explanation. My personal account ran dry. The ministry adult education programs needs school books that were promised by the Department of Education that never showed up...

And my mom has been gone for four months!!

I was stressed and felt broken. But God had a plan and even as I was still walking some of these things out, He was moving on my behalf. Even as I cut back, trimmed down and tightened my belt He was resolving each problem one by one in His own time. This is His ministry . He is rsponsible to work it out. I need not worry. He showed up and guided me to a purse I'd forgotten about that had $200 tucked away in it. $200 is major money here. He knew when I would need that money..

I thank Him for the provision but I thank Him more for the sorrow, trials and tribulations. I don't like it but I know its changing me.

Twice a month I was able to get away from ministry and rest in a hotel but financially that was no longer possible. I am learning to shut myself away until noon atleast once or twice a week. I need that time not just for my normal daily devotions. There is no mountain retreat I can run to but I can shut myself away with Him. It is a discipline I need in my life to continue serving in the midst of whatever comes my way.

Recently I found an old book I had read years ago titled "Don't Waste Your Sorrows" and I reread it in my time of resting. I also listened to two songs daily - "Rescue" and "Blessings". They have really ministered to my grieving heart not only for my mother's death but for the other "little" death's in me.. The journey continues.....

Nothing is Perfect But God is!

As God got me through those "moments" in the past, He is getting me and my husband through the loss of our girl and has gifted us with an expectation, hope and joy that can only be found in Him. We pray we can impart these things of God to our three grandsons in the midst of their grief.